Love or Respect? Both.

When I was growing up when it comes to love and relationship, there was one line which stayed with me and it used to come back to me often and keep assuring me.  It was like how you hear your dad say something, some random day about a political group or a fruit (??!!) and it sticks with you and influence your choices as you become an adult? You always remember his voice in your head whenever you come across that particular political party or that Fruit?   Can relate? Please do because I just played my trump card of  an example ( fruit!)  to explain.  Ha Ha.  Just Kidding :)  

However, on a serious note, this line, I am about to mention always resonated in my mind when I thought how my relationship, my partner should be.  I firmly believe it helped me and did good.  

It goes like... " Dont choose a partner based on how much money he has or how wealthy his family is... Never choose him based on his looks or how educated he is...But choose your partner based on whether you can enjoy a cup of coffee with him 'talking'. Because once you lived your life and get old together, all you need is a partner who enjoys your company and to sit beside you to talk about the day. " 

Ah!  Its certainly not one line but you know what I mean.  

Love and Respect though considered as siblings in a family,  it is not necessarily have to be package in a relationship.  Respecting your partner for who he is,  after living a life with him is totally different from loving him no matter what.
In the beginning, at a face value, we start a relationship on a Respect mode.  But to retain it till death do us apart,  you got to bloody earn it.
You find your partner,  things are great, then it becomes fine, you grow up,  you both grow up,  have differences, work on it, come out of it, fall into it, make mistakes, pay for it,  Kick his butt, get yours kissed, Vice versa, vice versa... But after say 10  years when you sit back with a glass of wine or milk or whatever :) if you want to assess your life with him? How do you freaking do it?  Its for sure not based on the diamond earrings  he gifted last month for your anniversary or on the porche he is currently driving.
But it will be precisely based on how you feel that particular day in the relationship. After that 10 years and 2 kids, what matters is whether you look forward to his company or not.  Quite simple.
For me its about whether I still enjoy sitting in my living room to share a glimpse of my day with him.  When I accidentally got my foot cut by a bread knife when holding a watermelon at my door step ( Yes its watermelon, Bread knife and @ my door!  True story and its for an another post altogether) and screaming with pain and tears all over, did i notice he crying along with me while dialing 911? Yes, that seals the deal for me.  Its definitely almost 10 years since I met him for the first time and I realize that I respect him more now after knowing him for so many years, which based on my scale is really a big deal for me! I adore him to bits and for his simple and loving self.  For being so real.  For choosing to be my best friend.  For wanting me, inspite of me! :)

When I read this Oli... I want to say it again. Thank you. 

Well here comes " Whatever 32."

I feel everyone goes through moments of looking at their birthday's differently as each year goes by.

You start off looking at it as a special day, eager to take that box of chocalates to school wearing that one best 'color' dress of the year to school to showoff.  You sincierly believe that the world revolves around your birthday and the anticipation and waiting for that day to arrive is equally thrilling.  The most beautiful toddler / early teen birthdays.  So cute.

Then you start seeing those days as a time to give and receive gifts, gestures, birthday cakes, how many phone calls this year, greeting cards, single roses, surprise bash, Screaming HAPPY Birthday's with friends, fun, followed by fun and little more of fun.  Infact, those are the most momentful birthday's and truly the most cherished ones for its pure nature of attention and thoughtfulness you get from your friends & family.  The most happening late teens / early 20's birthdays.  So grand.

Then you reach a stage where you have the glimpses of above pop up on that day, but you kind of wanted, I dont know.... something different... Something Calm.  Some call it boring and many call it Old.  I call it Whatever.  The late 20's / early 30's birthday.  When you pick up that phone and saying " hey thank you" to a wishing cousin, hoping for the call to end sooner and move on.  Pages and pages of wishes on Facebook from people who you never have said a word in the last 5 years but promptly liked their profile picture, every time they change.  You dread 'Cake Cutting' ( not the cake) and surely the ominous " HAAAAPPPPPYYYY BURTHHH DAYYYY TOOOO YOUUUUU" chorus to the last line.

I am not bored nor I feel Old.  Infact I feel the opposite.  I just turned 32 few minutes back and I feel OK.  ( I typed good first and changed it to OK).  OK is good.
Now, I want my birthdays to be different...  meaningful.... calm... lingering.... quiet.  I want to think about all the good things and thank for the bad things which didn't turn worse last year.  I wanted a warm hug from my best friend ( alias) my husband when the clock ticks 12 AM,  a silent whisper of "Happy Birthday papa" in my ears followed by a quick kiss so that we dont wake up our cosleeping baby girl, I want to search for his fingers and hold it light and I want a repeat of all the above again.   May be three / four times?  :)  I feel blessed that I get what i want and I am good that my  birthday is " whatever" to the world but very special for the actual few people who make my world.  Those calls I get from my closest family & friends which truly put a smile on my face and make me feel good.  I love that.  Clarity :)

This year, my husband was travelling but I am pinning his sweet wishes straight to my heart. Oli, If you're reading this today, thank you again for your words & wishes and I know how you feel being away.  I miss you but I have you, always.  Come back this Satdarday and be my Present :) Ha Ha.   And I have my precious bundle of a sloppy kisser, my most adorable girl sleeping next to me.  Aaradhana, if you happen to read this someday, remember that you make my life so beautiful, every single moment.  I love you so much and your happy birthday kiss last night was divine.  Lets go out and party tommorrow.  Just you and me.  Muaaahhh.

Happy Birthday to me!!

The night when it dawned.

This is momentous. While my 13 month old daughter trying to wake up for her next nursing who is currently teething and also restless because of that one mosquito trying to make a mark on her forehead and me hoping to get another few more minutes before my mac dies with less than 20 mins of charge and parallely never stopping the hunt for that one mosquito and wanting to end this long sentence fast.... huh.....wait for it ( catching my breath) ... created my blog today.  Finally, I managed to figure it out.  So, this is indeed Momentous second for me, when I first clicked that publish button.  It makes me proud, goofy and scratchy:)  Ask my little one & that one mosquito :) Btw, taking about mosquitos, I am from India.

First, why clarity?  I love clarity and I like to associate conversations, people, relationships with clarity.  It makes me feel good.  Purposeful rather.  I love it when my husband drops that word in his daily convos.  " That gives me clarity papa...  "Hello, where is your clarity?".  Love him.   I do things not so perfectly but with diligence to the last word.  I am 31, married to the great(est) man one could possibly find on this earth,  struggled to find a place for myself, struggled a lot to find my career but fortunately landed a great job, earned a good reputation at work, travelled places, all of a sudden became that " successful person" amidst family, deputed to work in the US,  made plans and seamlessly followed through and did well.  Quite well I should say.  

See, a greatest gift one could have for himself is to know exactly what he wants.  I thought i got that under control until one fine day.  For that day I waited, I prayed and I moaned.  Literally.  My A Type, borderline OCD personality ( Better word for Control Freak? ) wanted that day to come so fast, so that,  I can check that one too in my agenda as 'DONE'.  Boy, little that i know the overwhelming yet fulfilling emotion you go through both exactly at the same time which cannot be comprehended under any agenda.   The day I lost the C.L.A.R.I.T.Y.  The day I became a Amma.  A Mom.

Most Precious.

13 months since the most beautiful day happened in my life when I met my daughter Aaradhana.  26th Mar 2012.  6 days past due.  She was chilling I presume.  Her personality very clear even then.  They gave her to me crying and wailing and the moment i held her, she stopped. No sound.  I vaguely remember she trying to open her eyes and really see me. Waiting for my voice she was so used to.  Goose bumps.  Indescribable.  Touching.  Tears.  Laughs.  Surreal.  Wonder.  Mushy.  Thankful.  Love. Love. Love.  Goosebumps. Tears.  Surreal.  Pain. Love. Love.  Light.  Mushy. Grateful. Heavy.  Hugs. Love. Love. Love. Tears.  Imagine a bazillion of these emotions &  effects happening on and on in a millisecond.  A gush of emotions you never experienced in its raw nature comes to you pounding in an extraordinary way only a Mom, a parent can relate.  Something deeply shifts in your heart, your soul and your entire self.  And it will last for ever and travels with you and slowly becomes your second nature.

Well, that was precisely the moment, i lost clarity on what my life is going to be, other than being fabulous & shocking, both at the same time!!!